Nothing hurts more than thinking that somebody you love,could possibly care less. Even the mere thought of it hurts and it's just as bad when you're trying to make it sound like you don't. I've had my share of of difficult things to get passed in my life,like most. I've been insecure,friendless, horribly sick, unhappy,hurt, worried about school,friends,drama,and more but out of everything I think this is the hardest and I feel as if you're only making it worse. But that's probably how you want it, isn't it? Because maybe I'll break down and give this up. But I won't. I have to fight.
Today at school it was so easy to forget about all that's happened the last few days. That's one thing I love about being easily distracted, I can distract myself from my problems too. But of course now I'm here. It's 1am I can't sleep and I'm alone. I hate it. All of these stupid thoughts and stupid memories and stupid feelings just come rushing at me and I feel overwhelmed.
I'm thinking of the what's going to happen these upcoming days. Anything could. I say I don't want to speak for a few weeks or even a few months but what if by then it's too late? I'll want to speak and you won't want to? You could find someone new. Someone who wouldn't want you to talk to me.. You could find that you're happier now that I'm not there.. You could even hate me as I'm sure you wish you could. I'm so afraid. Regardless of what happens, knowing you like this,growing up with you and EVERYTHING we've been through you just can't ignore it. You have a peice of me forever and I have one of you. Nothing can change that ever.
I still love you. Hell, if we never spoke again apart of me still would. Always. What we shared is incredibly strong and unbreakable and though now at this point it's causing me the most pain I've ever experienced..I wouldn't give it up for the world.
A part of me hopes you see this and another part doesn't. If you do please know I care, that it hurts for me too and that I want you to smile and try to be happy. I know you can do it.
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Monday, December 7, 2009
Dancing by yourself
Oh, unrequited love. It's such an interesting human characteristic. According to wikipedia most of the human population is forced to be haunted by this emotion. The only good I can see from it is the fact that you really aren't alone. Most people have feelings for someone they know they can't have. They'll fantasize about them finally acknowledging exactly the way you want them to. I just wish I could understand why we have this. Maybe it's due to doubt. We aren't ever 100% satisfied with the life we have. There is always something that could improve. If we didn't have room for improvement in our lives, it would become very boring since we would no longer have anything to work for anymore. But what happens when an emotion such as this isn't so healthy anymore? Your obsession only seems to grow. The most obvious answer most people would give is "Tell them how you feel" Oh, but we all know that's easier said than done. Believe me, I tried and it didn't work. I'd make a fool of myself if I were to try again. But what is so interesting is that this particular infatuation did not exist until the beginning of the school year. This was something that died over the summer when I no longer saw him around.Sure, I thought about it from time to time during those few months but once I began seeing him on a daily basis the thoughts just wouldn't go away. My only option I can see now is to just ride it out until I graduate. It sucks but I know in the end this will be a thing of the past. These things happen and I'm sure it won't be the only one I'll experience. It's called life, we all must live it..
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
Huh.
I seem to having a problem sleeping tonight. I'm assuming it's from these hour and a half naps i take around 3 o'clock. I liked it when I began to feel tired around 10 because it worked well with the whole having to get up at 6:30am the next day thing. It is now 11 and I imagine i'll be up till around 1 which is not okay by me. If, however I decide to just turn the computer off, lay down and close my eyes I won't be getting any sleep anyhow and therefore I'll be completely bored. I'll also be forced to think about stupid,meaningless shit. Also not okay by me. So as I actually did attempt to do this I thought "well gee, I haven't updated this in a day or so and I did make a promise to actually keep up with one of these..I guess that's something I can do with the next few hours I am forced to be awake thanks to my wacked out body clock" so here we are now.
The day went on like usual. I went to ceramics and we learned how to make a vase and I chit chatted about my weekend with the people at my table. I then went to aide in guidance where I spent most of the time working on college things. In between these times I talked to Lauren about Christmas shopping which I did after 5 with her. Funny thing happened in rue21 during our excursion. But I don't feel like retelling the story.
However, all these things aren't entirely why I decided to write. I have yet to rant about another personality flaw that I seems to control my life at times. You see, I have a very addictive personality. And what I mean by that is I get attached to things and people very easily. It's always been that way. When I moved, even just 8 minutes away from my house, I cried for days. When I went from elementary school to intermediate school..then intermediate school to middle school...and finally where I am now in high school, I couldn't adjust. I get so used to things and when they abruptly walk out of my life, it's hard. I think about this adjustment problem I have and how college is fast approaching and honestly I'm scared for my emotional well-being. I know things will take a huge 360 and I do hope I can handle it and keep up with my grades. But I guess we'll cross that bridge when we get there.
The other part of that is people. I get so attached to people that I find important. If you want to become apart of my life, do so with caution because if for whatever reason you don't want to be apart of it anymore realize that you will be in my thoughts for a long while. I hope that makes sense. I miss people too much. I miss the good times, bad times, everything. It could have been up to 5 years ago and if I had fond memories of you, you'll haunt me for awhile.
I know I've always been one to over think and worry about these sorts of things and I blame that on the fact that I am so kept to myself. I spend so much time locked in my head I can't seem to think rationally at times. I wish I wouldn't look at life so much at it's complexity and see things more as a go with-the-flow-I-don't-care personality. But I can't. It's just not that simple for me. I wish I could meet someone who equally thinks this way. (I don't mean romantically..just in general) I've always been attracted to level headed people because it's a nice balance for my over the top traits. It'd be nice to talk to someone who sees the world in the ways that I do. Hope our paths cross one day..
The day went on like usual. I went to ceramics and we learned how to make a vase and I chit chatted about my weekend with the people at my table. I then went to aide in guidance where I spent most of the time working on college things. In between these times I talked to Lauren about Christmas shopping which I did after 5 with her. Funny thing happened in rue21 during our excursion. But I don't feel like retelling the story.
However, all these things aren't entirely why I decided to write. I have yet to rant about another personality flaw that I seems to control my life at times. You see, I have a very addictive personality. And what I mean by that is I get attached to things and people very easily. It's always been that way. When I moved, even just 8 minutes away from my house, I cried for days. When I went from elementary school to intermediate school..then intermediate school to middle school...and finally where I am now in high school, I couldn't adjust. I get so used to things and when they abruptly walk out of my life, it's hard. I think about this adjustment problem I have and how college is fast approaching and honestly I'm scared for my emotional well-being. I know things will take a huge 360 and I do hope I can handle it and keep up with my grades. But I guess we'll cross that bridge when we get there.
The other part of that is people. I get so attached to people that I find important. If you want to become apart of my life, do so with caution because if for whatever reason you don't want to be apart of it anymore realize that you will be in my thoughts for a long while. I hope that makes sense. I miss people too much. I miss the good times, bad times, everything. It could have been up to 5 years ago and if I had fond memories of you, you'll haunt me for awhile.
I know I've always been one to over think and worry about these sorts of things and I blame that on the fact that I am so kept to myself. I spend so much time locked in my head I can't seem to think rationally at times. I wish I wouldn't look at life so much at it's complexity and see things more as a go with-the-flow-I-don't-care personality. But I can't. It's just not that simple for me. I wish I could meet someone who equally thinks this way. (I don't mean romantically..just in general) I've always been attracted to level headed people because it's a nice balance for my over the top traits. It'd be nice to talk to someone who sees the world in the ways that I do. Hope our paths cross one day..
Sunday, November 29, 2009
Aberdeen never called. They said they would soon after they review a couple applications ahead of mine. I'm starting to lose hope in this which kind of sucks and I really just don't want to think about the whole thing anymore. Unemployment seems to sound better and better with each passing day. I work tomorrow 5:30-9:30. Easy 4 hour shift but still, it's just such a strain on me and I feel very disrespected there. Every day I spend there I feel as if I'm wasting my time and my life on this ridiculous job. My anxiety levels are at it's highest while I'm there.
Today was my mothers birthday. We got her several things. I woke up around 10 and helped my dad get the gift ready. She got a ring with matching earrings, a book on Buddha(haha), The Lost Symbol by Dan Brown, and a vintage pocket watch. I'd say we spoiled her pretty well this year, also considering the play we went to go see yesterday and a fancy Chicago Dinner following! We then watched a movie as a family down in the basement which I found myself nodding off during. I'm not a movie person in the early hours I guess you could say.
I then decided I'd go visit my boyfriend Scott. I conned him into baking with me today and after a quick stop a the grocery store I drove to his house. It's always so cold in his house and of course I thought I'd wear capris and flip flops. (I guess this is me yearning for summer so bad I'll dress as if the weather hasn't changed. We sort of layed around,played video games, and played with his dog Buffy before we decided to get up and bake. We didn't want to right away because his dad was in the living room watching his football game in sort of being a dick. We then after a good hour decided to proceed baking. We made key lime bars (like lemon bars). Since the directions tell us to wait for the bars to completely cool we decided to go out to eat to chilis while we waited. I had salmon while he had some small hamburger thing with fries. We came back, ate hour key lime bars and watched Penn & Teller Bullshit.
Throughout this hang out session he somehow was able accidentally hurt me in several ways. We've been dating for 3 years, are completely comfortable with each other, and are always goofy together. Mind you, everything he did was on accident, he hit me in the eye with a nerf gun, hit me the stomach, hit me against a corner of a wall, and smashed his elbow into my nose. ALL IN ONE DAY! No bleeding or bruising occurred (Although I did cry when i got hit in the eye..) but JESUS I don't know how all of that could happen in just mere hours. I think we're too rough with eachother.
When we settled down to watch Penn & Teller, we only had a chance to watch two episodes. One I agreed on with regards to Prostitution, the second one on the Death Penalty which I didn't agree on. There argument was that the Death Penalty was immoral and wrong and I disagree. I think we need some sort of capitol punishment because people will believe they can do whatever they want with no life-threatening repercussions. Some people just go to far and the old law of an eye for an eye still has some truth to it. That's just my conservative opinion on that though. Prostitution however, they did give some good arguments on that one. I would never go out and sell my body like this but I don't think I have any say on the people who do choose that sort of lifestyle. That's not my business and governments always have a way with sticking their nose into other peoples business..
Well, that's my day. See you all tomorrow!
Today was my mothers birthday. We got her several things. I woke up around 10 and helped my dad get the gift ready. She got a ring with matching earrings, a book on Buddha(haha), The Lost Symbol by Dan Brown, and a vintage pocket watch. I'd say we spoiled her pretty well this year, also considering the play we went to go see yesterday and a fancy Chicago Dinner following! We then watched a movie as a family down in the basement which I found myself nodding off during. I'm not a movie person in the early hours I guess you could say.
I then decided I'd go visit my boyfriend Scott. I conned him into baking with me today and after a quick stop a the grocery store I drove to his house. It's always so cold in his house and of course I thought I'd wear capris and flip flops. (I guess this is me yearning for summer so bad I'll dress as if the weather hasn't changed. We sort of layed around,played video games, and played with his dog Buffy before we decided to get up and bake. We didn't want to right away because his dad was in the living room watching his football game in sort of being a dick. We then after a good hour decided to proceed baking. We made key lime bars (like lemon bars). Since the directions tell us to wait for the bars to completely cool we decided to go out to eat to chilis while we waited. I had salmon while he had some small hamburger thing with fries. We came back, ate hour key lime bars and watched Penn & Teller Bullshit.
Throughout this hang out session he somehow was able accidentally hurt me in several ways. We've been dating for 3 years, are completely comfortable with each other, and are always goofy together. Mind you, everything he did was on accident, he hit me in the eye with a nerf gun, hit me the stomach, hit me against a corner of a wall, and smashed his elbow into my nose. ALL IN ONE DAY! No bleeding or bruising occurred (Although I did cry when i got hit in the eye..) but JESUS I don't know how all of that could happen in just mere hours. I think we're too rough with eachother.
When we settled down to watch Penn & Teller, we only had a chance to watch two episodes. One I agreed on with regards to Prostitution, the second one on the Death Penalty which I didn't agree on. There argument was that the Death Penalty was immoral and wrong and I disagree. I think we need some sort of capitol punishment because people will believe they can do whatever they want with no life-threatening repercussions. Some people just go to far and the old law of an eye for an eye still has some truth to it. That's just my conservative opinion on that though. Prostitution however, they did give some good arguments on that one. I would never go out and sell my body like this but I don't think I have any say on the people who do choose that sort of lifestyle. That's not my business and governments always have a way with sticking their nose into other peoples business..
Well, that's my day. See you all tomorrow!
Saturday, November 28, 2009
Well
I haven't decided what exactly I'll use it for. Maybe I'll blog everyday, maybe this will be my vent page. Perhaps I'll write a story and each chapter will be an individual post. I'll figure it out and if you're interested you'll just continue to read whatever I put up. I have had the worst luck keeping these things going. I make one maybe once a year and somehow I'm unable to keep up with it. I guess we'll just go with the flow and see what happens.
Currently, I am awaiting a phone call for an interview on a job I really want. As of now, I work at a dead end grocery store as a bagger. I've reached my breaking point and I am praying that this job will be my opportunity to get the hell out. This right now is a somewhat helpful distraction while I wait and I'm also snooping around online clothing stores. (No intentions on buying..I've just got an addiction)
Today was a very good day because we were celebrating my moms birthday (A day early). We went to Chicago, watched Young Frankenstein on Broadway and ate a great Thai restaurant. Young Frankenstein was hilarious and fun to watch. The Thai restaurant was delicious, but VERY spicy. My mouth was burning by the end of the meal but it was worth it since the food was so good.
We are home now and my phone is lying on my bed as I wait for this women to call. I'm too afraid to call her myself since I don't want to pester her away from her job. She said she was very busy and would call me since her shift just began. That was about 6:30 and that was 2 hours ago. I'm praying she did not forget seeing as I have no idea when the next time she'll be in. What if it's not till next Saturday? I don't think I can stay at my current job much longer, it's killing me.
Well I may add more later but that's all for now. Goodbye!
Currently, I am awaiting a phone call for an interview on a job I really want. As of now, I work at a dead end grocery store as a bagger. I've reached my breaking point and I am praying that this job will be my opportunity to get the hell out. This right now is a somewhat helpful distraction while I wait and I'm also snooping around online clothing stores. (No intentions on buying..I've just got an addiction)
Today was a very good day because we were celebrating my moms birthday (A day early). We went to Chicago, watched Young Frankenstein on Broadway and ate a great Thai restaurant. Young Frankenstein was hilarious and fun to watch. The Thai restaurant was delicious, but VERY spicy. My mouth was burning by the end of the meal but it was worth it since the food was so good.
We are home now and my phone is lying on my bed as I wait for this women to call. I'm too afraid to call her myself since I don't want to pester her away from her job. She said she was very busy and would call me since her shift just began. That was about 6:30 and that was 2 hours ago. I'm praying she did not forget seeing as I have no idea when the next time she'll be in. What if it's not till next Saturday? I don't think I can stay at my current job much longer, it's killing me.
Well I may add more later but that's all for now. Goodbye!
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